::walls::

sometimes, you comes crashing right into a brick wall, and it pushes you down. as you stare upon its daunting heights, reaching beyond the heavens, you come to find that there is no way around. no opening. no secret passageways, like those in old, Victorian castles. no, it appears that the only way through is to break down the whole damn thing. just ram into it with one of those huge bulldozers.
but, then comes the whole process of finding the resources capable of managing such a great feat. and even then, once it comes down there will be the affair of sorting through the years and years of rubble and stone before one could ever truly more forward.
perhaps, it would be easier to just pretend it doesn't exist. to enjoy the space not restricted by this sudden intrusion. but that seems quite futile. for it is only a matter of time before that sudden intrusion becomes incapacitating. one begins to suffocate in such a small, allocated space. it can soon become difficult to simply breathe.

i have recently become acquainted with this very wall.

my father is an angry man. a selfish driven, temper maniac of sorts. growing up, i cannot recall one positive experience with that man. so, throughout the years i have learned to distance myself from him. i molded my entire life and outlook on the world based on everything he is not. where he embraced anger, i pursued peace. where he maintained selfishness, i pushed for selflessness. where he destroyed, i built up. where he lacked, i gained. i promised myself, not one ounce of who he was would seep into my identity. i would be nothing like him...ever.

well, one can only imagine the effects of such a dynamic relationship on a young girl. that father-daughter bond is one that has been researched, categorized, and written about for centuries. yet, i myself refused to have any part in that sort of affair. i couldn't love my father, nor could i forgive him for the years of heartache he caused me and my family. in fact, i didn't want to. i didn't want to deal with all the pain, built up over twenty-one years of living in this wretched dynamic. i couldn't face it all. it was too much to bear. so, throughout the years i found myself constructing this wall, against him and all the pain he caused. this construction became so constant it was merely subconscious.

until, one day, i came running, head first, full speed at this very wall. to my utter surprise, its strength and height were beyond compare. what a haunting experience it was to come face to face with this self-constructed hindrance. at first, like any human, i avoided it. i denied it. because i knew its utter presence brought with it the knowledge of its destruction. a feat much too painful to entertain. so, it simply did not exist.

but, it wasn't long before it began to rule my life, taking control like a power-hungry tyrant. everything was hindered by its presence, for i was bound to it, unable to break through. i simply was not free.

it was only then that i came face to face with a much more painful undertaking: the destruction of the very wall i had created. just the very thought sent chills down my spine. for there are years of pain built up in that thing. and once it comes done, there's no rebuilding. once it comes down, i have to face it all. once it comes down, the most enduring, life-altering experience will run its course. and i am not quite sure if i am ready for that yet.

but, we are called to live in freedom. the scriptures are littered with people who endured, who broke down the walls of this world, who suffered. people who came out of the darkness! for it is time to come out of hiding. it is time to embrace our calling. it is time to break free of these walls, of this world. it is time to begin living in the heavenly realms of freedom. it is time we brought that freedom crashing down on earth. it is time i begin tearing down this wall.


...perhaps i have only begun with a chisel, but i have begun.

"this life is Yours and hope is rising

as Your glory floods our hearts
let love tear down these walls."
tear down the walls - hillsong united

::light::

sunlight breaks through the morning clouds,

reflecting back the glories of the earth.

the light of hope shines forth,
as the darkness fades.
and all that remains
is the culmination of your undaunting beauty,
a flourishing rose
amongst the wildflowers.

::snow::

lately, i have found myself in a bit of a rut. the ending of a semester brings with it a multitude of factors. one of them, in powerful strength, is business. papers take up much more space on my hard-drive than i ever expected. exams loom around the corner. and time is invested within the demands of 'finishing strong.' it all seems quite normal to the typical college student. something we must expect with the territory we have chosen. simple logic.

yet, for me the end of this semester has brought a particular sense of stress that i have not been able to shake nor understand for the past few days. yet, as i sit in peaceful silence today i become clearly aware of the state my circumstances have produced. so caught up in the stringent requirements of papers, exams, assignments, and quizzes, i quickly lost time. as i invested more and more time into school, i lost more and more time with our beautiful Saviour. soon, i found myself going days without a real, meaningful interaction with our Father. instead, the load of classes seemed to be a heavy burden to bear and stress crept in.

i became overwhelmed with the tasks at hand. barely able to concentrate. deadlines, flying at record speed towards me, seemed too close to meet. and i became completely aware of my own futility. i was weary. and growing more and more so daily. until today. a day of beauty, peace, revelation, and recovery...

_____________________

my parents are currently out of town, visiting some relatives half-way around the world in the beautiful country of south africa. now, this leaves me with the task of arising every day at four am to let my not-yet-potty-trained pup outside. this morning, i arose about a half hour late. stumbling out of bed, i grabbed a coat and slipped on my boots, remembering to grab some treats to thwart dalton's nipping habit. anyway, as we both sleepily headed out the front door, i was peacefully stunned.

there was an undisturbed dusting of snow upon the ground and snowflakes lightly descending from the heavens above. it was a tranquil moment, undeniably drenched in the presence of our God. i quickly became lost in the scene, taking it all in. the still night sky, muddled with the overlapping of fluffy clouds, a hint of the early morning light breaking through as beautiful white fluttered down around me. hmmm, it was simply breathtaking. i could have stood there, lost in that beauty for eternity. but, a light tug on the leash i was apparently still holding onto caught my attention. and there was my pup, enjoying God's reminder of his glorious beauty as well...except dalton chose to appreciate it by pouncing around, attacking the snow, and upsetting the serenity of it all. yet, his joyful disposition at this wondrous new thing brought a smile to my face. God's power was undaunting. in one moment he managed to remind me of so much...his presence, his beauty, his peace, his joy, his sustenance. he truly is everything.

when i awoke again at seven this morning to fully start my day, i was filled with an undeniable calm. and, i knew it came from my wondrous encounter only a few hours before. as the day progressed, i became clearly aware of the lifted burden from my shoulders. suddenly, school seemed to be but a tiny task in the beautiful day ahead. nothing seemed to matter quite as much as our LORD, who once again came to take the throne upon my life. for we are not meant to be ruled by the things of this world, but rather by our heavenly Father. all else will fade, and only he will stand...in stunning brilliance.

although the world may try to beat the truth out of us, it still remains: he is all we need.

"and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:7

::india::

there is a passion within my soul.

a yearning too great for words.

and, it grows daily.

pushing me closer and closer to the edge of this plunge.

my heart longs for the over-populated, impoverished, beautiful country of india.

it speaks of immense color and culture.

a world far from our own.

threatening a difference most are afraid of.

yet, they are beautiful people.

wondrous, if i may.

i am held in awe by their customs, their beliefs, their tradition.

i am drawn to their way of life .

i am broken for their poverty.

i am desperate for their understanding.

i am passionate, passionate, passionate about these people.

i am all but ready to jump.

"it is impossible not to be astonished by india. nowhere on earth does humanity present itself in such a dizzying, creative burst of cultures and religions, races and tongues....every aspect of the country presents itself on a massive, exaggerated scale, worthy in comparison only to the superlative mountains that overshadow it."

::floating::

it is simple beauty the way music can inspire.

even that of wordless song.

the movement of rhythm.

as the sound of strings, percussion, and bass blend so vividly.

they paint a picture before me.

and, i am lost within this world of sheer eloquence.

i seemed to have lost my footing.

there is but air beneath by soles.

any trace of solid ground has vanished from my vision.

and, i am spinning.

wildly out of control.

yet, peaceful.

as i float up to the heavens, i can only glimpse that waiting eternity.

my soul soars at only the promise of His awaited return.

ohh, my heart yearns for it.

so, further i go.

losing all that has held me to this world for so long.

i am free.

"floating away in every direction"

::inconveniences::

last night, my brother was returning home from a business trip in cleveland, ohio. he had been gone for only a few days, but the distance still wore on him, resulting in his ever-eager enthusiasm to return home. scheduled to arrive in minneapolis 800 that night, he was all but content. however, his plans were quickly thrust out of control when the short flight from cleveland to minneapolis was cancelled. instead, the airline booked him on a flight to atlanta, where he would catch a connection to minneapolis. a bit disgruntled, he accepted his defeat, and held onto his refined goal of arriving home 1130 that night. yet, again, control seemed to thwart him. the airline appeared to lose his confirmation and thus gave away his seat on the connecting flight back to minneapolis now resulting in an overnight stay at the airport and an early 600 flight the next morning. this, for him, was simply too much.

calling, calling, and calling he attempted to right this wrong done to him, even with the mindset of getting something for his troubles...a free ticket perhaps. because, this whole fiasco was the fault of non other than the airline, a glitch in the system, and some poor receptionist attempting to get through her shift. but, for his inconveniences, the airline must surely pay. he must be reimbursed for the hours waited and the growing irritation. it's only fair, right?

frustrating, i am sure of it. yet, to make this predicament one level short of a lawsuit seems to be outrageous. he did arrive home safe and sound this morning by 800, isn't that all we can ask of? apparently not. because, it appears that what counts as satisfactory service, is prompt, flawless performance in which we are encased within the comfort and ease of this type of lifestyle. if we are inconvenienced in the slightest, there must be something wrong with the entire system. for, anything short of perfection is simply unacceptable.

the system is broken. but, not the one of cancelled flights and computer glitches. no, the system i am referring to is the one we ourselves are the composers of. a system that deems our feeble complaints of a delayed flight home as a reasonable grievance, while six-hundred-forty million children around the world find themselves void of shelter this very second. a system that encourages our lawsuits and court cases, raking in the money, while eighty percent of humanity lives of less than ten dollars a day. a system where the little inconveniences thrown my way are given more attention than the starving, malnourished child downtown.

...ohh, how lost we are becoming in this all-consuming world. i can feel it overtaking. we are losing a part of our souls this very instant. because, the world and its discontentment is taking control. but, in this moment of clarity, i am reminded of how bountiful the harvest is. we are blessed beyond compare to any nation on this earth. we have been given so much, too much. so, with each passing frustration let us acknowledge our wealth. with each inconvenience let us remember our blessings. and, now with this, may we move forward in the blessing of others. let's upset the balance. and, let's fix the system.

"true compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. it comes to see that a system that produces beggars needs to be repaved."

shane claiborne - 'the irresistible revolution'

::beauty::

it is autumn.

and, the leaves are slowly fading from green, to yellow, to vibrant oranges and reds. then, as each reaches it's peak, they fall, gliding down to the pavement below. some reach the ground with little disturbment, while others are taken up in the wind. it is unknown where those few end up, now at the will of the whatever storm the world has brewing.

but, it is in the midst of this season, where the colors are breath-taking, the movement of leaves quite peaceful, and the flow of nature rather mysterious, that i am awestruck by a beauty that somehow took me by surprise. as if the season came before i were aware of its arrival.

yet, here i am. in the middle of this undeniably beautiful scene, and it occurs to me that this picture is a stunning representation of our very world and the multitude of souls drifting along. and, although some are lost along the way being taken up by the storm, or buried behind the glow of another, each and every one is needed.

for as each leaf represents a spirit in the grandeur of this painting, i am firm in the believe that the loss of even one, would jeopardize the splendor of the entire scene.

see lately, i have found my heart breaking even more rigidly for the lost in our world. the marginalized, the broken, the hopeless, the scared, the abused: the buried, the ones taken up by the storm. for, they are lost within a tormented hell our world has helped create specifically for them. we have become mere landlords to them. the rich, unable to personalize and compassionately love them. we have made them a symbol of the unwanted, the not needed, the forgotten. we have pushed them from our hearts. and, we have ultimately accepted their defeat.

and now, it is directly in line with our actions, that many of these souls have become truly lost. divulging into their all-consuming thoughts that they have nothing left to live for. preparing to take their own lives, in a simple effort to rid themselves of this living hell we have enclosed them into. and, this, my dear friends, is a tragedy both too numerous and too unnoticed in our world.

because, for every soul we have convinced is not worthy, is a leaf we have ultimately erased from this magnificent painting. resulting in an ever-present ink-stain, an unfixable blemish we helped create. and this is too great a burden to bear. for, the loss of a soul on our conscious is a death much too tragic. yet, it is only when we reach this point, when our vision defogs to reveal the unmistakable err in our ways, that we become aware of the graceful autumn scene playing before us.

so, here i stand, in the midst of this stunning brilliance of autumn, finally convinced that i have blotted out enough leaves to continue down this path. my selfishness, my greed, my pride has cost the marginalized enough. it is time to personalize them again. it is time to release them from bondage. it is time to give them a voice. it is time to remind them that they have everything to live for. it is time to allow their beauty to shine. because, it is their brilliant color that reveals the masterpiece of this autumn scene.

"when we are first aware of our own brokenness, our eyes are opened to see our own faces in the faces of the oppressed and to see our own hands in the hands of the oppressors. then we shall all be truly free."

shane claiborne - 'the irresistible revolution'