::ballad::

it is done.

i find myself here, tonight, left with this eerie silence of what once was. 

and, i am not quite sure what that means yet. where that leaves me. where i go from here.

i seem to be at a loss. for the reality of it all seems to be sinking in.

the broken promises are making headline news. the fallen hearts seem to pour like raindrops out of a thunder cloud. and the truth begins to sting like a brand new wound.

it came. much too soon. taking over before anyone had the chance to notice its arrival.

now, please do not be mistaken, for it is not pain, or anger, or sadness which burdens me tonight.

that has been healed. that has been cleansed. my soul has been renewed from those emotions.

but tonight, i find a new emotion at my doorstep. one stored away neatly in a cardboard box, beneath layers of already damaged tissue paper. and as i unearth it, i find that tonight, that heaviness pressing in seems to bring the realization that this burden is loss. this sense that something great and beautiful and majestic has simply come to an end. it is simply done.

the clocks will not turn back. as time never stops. 

the decisions never re-done. for what is done is done.

the outcome is here. unchanging. unstoppable. simply, here.

the reasons for this outcome are much like the journey itself. 

jumbled and confused. broken as well as muddled. exhausting along with strenuous. unyielding as much as resistant. wearing, draining, tiring.  

in other words: a complete mess.

but at the same time irrevocably beautiful. 

its magnificence was undeniable. for it was one of those stories i had always dreamt about.

a fairy tale, in my eyes. something much too fanciful for reality with castles and dragons. 

so, when reality finally hit, my castle came crashing down. princess, prince, dragon, and all.

and there i lay. broken. lost. and alone. with pieces scattered for miles. reconstruction seemed rather impossible.

but the pieces now left come together quite gracefully. quite differently. as if this master Composer took my story, my song, and strung together all which was left. arranging the notes rather perfectly to form this beautiful melody of a ballad. 

and it is here, it is now, that i say my goodbyes. leaving in the past, the past.

while memories will never allow for forgetting, the remembrance now brings smiles rather than tears. and the loss, once so heavy, now finds comfort in the journey. 

because this Composer has written a ballad so authentically stunning, i am mesmerized. 

the notes seem to fly off the page. immersing every fiber of my being.

and i begin this beautiful dance with my King.

"then the maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. i will turn their mourning into gladness; i will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."

Jeremiah 31:13

::peace::

there is a treacherous journey before you. one which takes oh so much of who you are.

one which takes a toll not just on your mind, but also your heart, as well as your very soul.

it threatens death, of all those who invest in its time. it promises brokenness. it guarantees pain. and it requires strength beyond your own capacities. 

but when its presence reveals itself, it is undeniable, rather by shock over any other factor.

for it comes silently, unknowingly, creeping deeper and deeper within you, until it overtakes.

and suddenly, you find yourself standing. looking back upon this journey, only to realize you have graced the top of the mountain. 

and as you stand the lenses begin to unfog, your eyes adjust to your new surroundings, and finally, it comes into view.

the horizon now stands as your compass. pointing freedom every which way you turn. the world now at your fingertips. 

all that threatened death once before has vanished. the darkness and gloom that came with your inevitable death has since been conquered.

and now, in its place, are a vast array of lights and colors beautifully perfected from this new perspective atop the slopes, elegantly hanging from its canvas of the heavens. 

the picture before you is one which stuns you, stills you in the very moment as your eyes connect with it. 

it brings a moment of silence. a moment of unparalleled peace. 

and in this moment, all which was once hidden along the journey is now revealed in spectacular wonder before the very mountain you find yourself upon. 

the valley no longer becomes a symbol of death, but rather one of triumph.

for as you look back, you see as the pages of your journey begin to unravel before your very eyes.

the tears turn into strength. the pain to joy. the lies to truth. the despair to hope.

you find your body overwhelmed with this sense of peace as you discover that your death has ultimately turned into life.

And there you stand. Atop this mountain. Stunned in the realization:

YOU ARE VICTORIOUS.

the suffering ran its course. the tears were cried. the words thrown. the battle fought. and, not only did you get out alive, but you won. you won not through your own capabilities or wit or strength, but rather of One much greater than yourself. For it is only through Him that we are able to do immeasurably more than anything we could ever ask or imagine. For it is only through Him that we find our strength to get back up, our joy to defeat the pain, our truth to shatter the lies, our hope in moments of despair. For it is through Him, and Him alone that we RECLAIM our lives. 

"the LORD gives strength to His people, the LORD blesses His people with peace."

Psalm 29:11

::vulnerability::

this seems to be a growing concept in the realms of my life right now.

being brought to the surface through a variety of experiences and relationships.

i see as those around me begin to unveil their true self. i watch as their hidden reality becomes exposed.

and there they stand.

naked.

...for the world to see.

this picture, for most, can quickly become something much too graphic.

as if this person, in their fleeting moment of despair, unveiled more than too much to the world.

as if this stripping of their walls is rather detrimental to their souls.

as if the world could never handle the full weight of a person's true self.

but, to me, it has become a picture of stunning brilliance.

one whose simple beauty is beyond words.

beyond description.

beyond anything human.

to me, this stripping away, this unveiling, this vulnerability is the perfection of elegance.

it is a graceful action that allows for us to step further and further into the realms of freedom.

as all that confines us falls away. and all that is us remans.

for it becomes this beautiful journey of simply being.

::rain::

it's been a few days since my fingers have graced a keyboard for the purposes of spilling some part of my heart upon this space. and, as i sit here, i find it difficult to even articulate the many emotions and thoughts racing frantically through this fast-paced brain of mine. they whizz in and out of consciousness, allowing little time for me to fully grasp their depth and meaning. i see only glimpses, for the state i find myself in tonight is one of indifference. 

a state much too meaningless to search for meaning. i would rather allow my emotions to pass through, run their course, without even stopping to analyze them at all. 

maybe i am here tonight, because the clock is moving much too quickly, because my eyelids are beginning to droop as they fight this battle of time. 

or maybe, it is all finally catching up to me. maybe this decision i have chosen is one which holds much more significance than i thought. maybe this burden which i find myself ridding from my life, actually weighs much more than i remembered. maybe this action has yet to fully run its course mentally. maybe the weight of it all, the meaning, the significance, and the  implications have yet to sink in. 

perhaps my brain and heart have chosen to run through the motions. keeping the reality hidden. keeping the emotions, which are dying to erupt, suppressed. 

perhaps the easier, less cloudy option is to simply carry out my plan, without the thought of tears or emotion. perhaps the absence of the involvement of my heart would allow the process to define simplicity. 

but ease never truly promises fulfillment, does it?

the tears, in the end, always seems to be the less cloudy road. for fulfillment is not measured in this moment, but through this moment. 

perhaps it's time i rid myself of this umbrella, desperately trying to shelter myself from the inevitable downpour about to disrupt the light. perhaps it is time i felt the true weight of this storm. allowing the tears to fall, the heavens to open, and the waters to give way. allowing it to pour. as it washes away the old. as it cleanses the stains. and, as it purifies all which has been marred by this world.

for after the storm, there is always a clearing. the clouds never stay. for the heavens open up in a whole new way, shining down upon us a light much brighter than the one before, reflecting a sky much more hopeful than the darkness of the first. but one which is just as beautiful.

"He is like the light of morning on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth."

2 Samuel 23:4

::calm::

i am starting to think i am one of those intellectual types. one who would rather retreat into solitude, curled up with pages upon pages of spilled hearts and minds on empty parchment now filled, rather than engaging in person-to-person, human contact.

i am not like those boisterous, out-going types. no, not at all.

my mind does not become at ease with itself within large social realms of activity.

rather, comfort and composure come during my quieter moments. those spent searching within my own head and heart, along with nights spent trying to dissect the thoughts or emotions of others. 

i find peace in the ink of a pen as it comes alive upon desolate pages. waiting, desiring to be filled. to hold, upon them, something much deeper than meaning. 

to hold, upon them, the heart and soul of an image-bearer in her purest form.

"be still, and know that i am God."

Psalm 46:10

::faithfulness::

every monday night i have night class from 6:15 to 8:15.

so, naturally, i am no longer able to attend FCA.

which saddens me quite a bit, because these students bring such joy to my heart.

i am simply amazed by the fire that has been set aflame within their hearts.

this week, i am on spring break.

oh, how joyful i was to have the opportunity to attend FCA this monday night.

my good friend, micah, took the stage this evening.

and, as usual, i was simply blown away.

the LORD has truly taken hold of this man's heart.

and that was plainly expressed with every word he uttered tonight.

this evening, the LORD spoke through micah in order to convey this concept of faithfulness to these set-aflame  students.

but, this specific faithfulness was no orthodox teaching of the simple truth of our God faithfulness to us, but rather an eye-opener to the often overlooked, second part of the equation: our faithfulness to this God. 

you see, when this world weighs down upon us, we tend to break.

reaching one of two options: hold on or give up.

and many times, we choose the latter, in spite of the hope found in the first.

we abandon all we have held firmly to.

we run, in our weakness, away from the very healer and protector of our souls.

we seek out anything to numb the pain. anything to take it away. 

anything but the One who can do all.

"if He is so powerful, why does he allow this pain to consume my life?"

"if He loves me so dearly, why doesn't He heal me?"

why? why? why?

but maybe, just maybe, we are asking the wrong questions.

you see, to me, this LORD is powerful, mighty, strong, loving, and desperate.

yes, desperate...for you.

the LORD of the universe desires for you to turn to Him!

in your time of desperation, He is desperate for you.

how comforting. how encouraging. how beautiful.

in the midst of my suffering, this God desires to heal me.

He desires to prove His faithfulness to me, but (yes, there is always a but)

His faithfulness is deeply connected to ours.

His desperation is deeply rooted in ours.

For this LORD will never force himself upon us.

instead, we must choose Him.

we must choose His way. we must choose His healing. we must choose Him.

and once we choose Him, we will be completely stilled by all that He brings, by all that He is.

"you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:13 

this world is broken. full of pain and anguish. along with anger and resentment.

some bitterness and torment. rage quickly followed by a downfall of tears.

suffering in its rawest form.

this is what we experience.

every single day. millions of people across this planet suffer.

the question is, will you choose to remain faithful to your LORD through it all?

will you believe in His love?

will you trust in His plan?

will you abandon Him in your time of need?

or will you heed His desperation through your own?

::freedom::

i have found this word to bring much confusion to my life.

it has been explained on a variety of levels for us all, holding different meanings from priceless situations.

this freedom we experience from simply living in America still amazes me. 

freedom to speak my mind. freedom to practice my religion. freedom to publish media. freedom to wear whatever i want. freedom to gain an education. freedom to walk down a street without fearing my life. and i could continue on and on until it sinks in. however, i will assume you have gained the understanding of this perspective thus far.

but for me, one specific perspective of this world has gripped me; it has taken hold, and i cannot let go.

and this perspective has changed my life.

it is the perspective of freedom on Christ.

okay. now, i know what most of you are thinking at this point.

"Christ? ugh. here comes the preaching."

but i assure you, my words are not meant to preach as if i, myself, have all the answers to life and its endless struggles.

but, rather, i attempt to assure you i am just as lost as the rest of you. 

a daughter simply trying to find her place in this broken world. 

this past year, i have endured much more than i ever thought myself capable of.

please do not confuse this statement with pride. for my point is far from that.

i am truthfully and wholeheartedly humbled by that statement.

because i endured not through my own frailty, but through my Savior's strength.

through His love and grace for me, 

i have endured, 

i have persevered, 

i have found hope, 

and i have found freedom.

you see, most of my struggles have come through bondage.

chains so strong and powerful, they held me captive to the point where i was no longer alive.

i was dead to this world. this this God. to this life. to its purpose.

numb. unable to feel. and afraid to feel.

so i allowed my chains to grow. and as they became heavier, they began to drag my life deeper and deeper into depression.

into captivity. into oppression. into anything but freedom.

and i allowed for it all. i simply sat back, in my weakness, and watched as my life was slowly being ripped away.

a bit morbid? or maybe a bit too honest for your liking?

my apologies for your discomfort. for that is not my intent.

i am not seeking your sympathy or empathy for my pain.

not at all. but rather, i intend fro you to understand my pain.

to see into my shackles and meet their bondage.

so that when my freedom is revealed to your eyes, you may be that much more convinced of the power of our LORD.

one night, i reached my breaking point.

this struggle began to consume my life.

it began to overtake. it became my master.

and i was powerless to fight back.

i remember sitting in my room, in the darkness, in the quiet, in the emptiness.

i remember allowing my tears to fall.

letting every single buried emotion out.

and, then, for the first time in months, i cried out to God in absolute desperation.

i couldn't do this anymore. i could not attempt to fight this battle alone for one more day.

so, i desperately, humbly sought out the LORD.

and in that moment, i felt this stillness, this calm, this presence i had never know before.

the heaviness simply vanished. peace beginning to fill the emptiness it left.

and i heard this voice,reassuring me that this life was going to get better.

that this life is so much more. that my life is meant for so much more.

i was reminded during one of the darkest moments of my life, in the most perfect of ways, that this life is absolutely beautiful, IF we allow for it.

see, i was chained. shackled to my past and my fears. a prisoner. unable to see this life for what it was meant to me.

satan has stolen from me all that i considered to be beautiful about this life.

so for me, there was no longer a point.

but, in that night brokenness and heartache, the LORD set me free.

in that night, He reclaimed every single stolen part of who i was from satan.

He opened up the floodgates of Heaven and poured down upon me. 

He broke my chains. He shattered my walls. and He freed me from every bondage holding me captive.

i am no longer mastered by my past or my fears.

my life is no longer dictated by the chains of captivity, but rather by the Giver of life and freedom.

this priceless gift of freedom has changed my life.

for it is not merely a freedom to act in specific ways once restricted.

but, it is the ultimate freedom to live. to be ALIVE.

"it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Galatians 5:1

To be free is to be alive. So may you live.