::rain::

it's been a few days since my fingers have graced a keyboard for the purposes of spilling some part of my heart upon this space. and, as i sit here, i find it difficult to even articulate the many emotions and thoughts racing frantically through this fast-paced brain of mine. they whizz in and out of consciousness, allowing little time for me to fully grasp their depth and meaning. i see only glimpses, for the state i find myself in tonight is one of indifference. 

a state much too meaningless to search for meaning. i would rather allow my emotions to pass through, run their course, without even stopping to analyze them at all. 

maybe i am here tonight, because the clock is moving much too quickly, because my eyelids are beginning to droop as they fight this battle of time. 

or maybe, it is all finally catching up to me. maybe this decision i have chosen is one which holds much more significance than i thought. maybe this burden which i find myself ridding from my life, actually weighs much more than i remembered. maybe this action has yet to fully run its course mentally. maybe the weight of it all, the meaning, the significance, and the  implications have yet to sink in. 

perhaps my brain and heart have chosen to run through the motions. keeping the reality hidden. keeping the emotions, which are dying to erupt, suppressed. 

perhaps the easier, less cloudy option is to simply carry out my plan, without the thought of tears or emotion. perhaps the absence of the involvement of my heart would allow the process to define simplicity. 

but ease never truly promises fulfillment, does it?

the tears, in the end, always seems to be the less cloudy road. for fulfillment is not measured in this moment, but through this moment. 

perhaps it's time i rid myself of this umbrella, desperately trying to shelter myself from the inevitable downpour about to disrupt the light. perhaps it is time i felt the true weight of this storm. allowing the tears to fall, the heavens to open, and the waters to give way. allowing it to pour. as it washes away the old. as it cleanses the stains. and, as it purifies all which has been marred by this world.

for after the storm, there is always a clearing. the clouds never stay. for the heavens open up in a whole new way, shining down upon us a light much brighter than the one before, reflecting a sky much more hopeful than the darkness of the first. but one which is just as beautiful.

"He is like the light of morning on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth."

2 Samuel 23:4