::untitled::

hello, folks. i would just like to inform you all that i have moved. you can find my new blog here.

::busy::

lately, i have been overridden by the business of life.
classes, midterms, and papers.
an internship.
plus a part-time job in the works.
i have barely had time to breathe.

today, i was overwhelmed by the peaceful beauty of God's creation.
he always manages to slow me down.

"be still, and know that i am God."

Psalm 46:10

::walls::

sometimes, you comes crashing right into a brick wall, and it pushes you down. as you stare upon its daunting heights, reaching beyond the heavens, you come to find that there is no way around. no opening. no secret passageways, like those in old, Victorian castles. no, it appears that the only way through is to break down the whole damn thing. just ram into it with one of those huge bulldozers.
but, then comes the whole process of finding the resources capable of managing such a great feat. and even then, once it comes down there will be the affair of sorting through the years and years of rubble and stone before one could ever truly more forward.
perhaps, it would be easier to just pretend it doesn't exist. to enjoy the space not restricted by this sudden intrusion. but that seems quite futile. for it is only a matter of time before that sudden intrusion becomes incapacitating. one begins to suffocate in such a small, allocated space. it can soon become difficult to simply breathe.

i have recently become acquainted with this very wall.

my father is an angry man. a selfish driven, temper maniac of sorts. growing up, i cannot recall one positive experience with that man. so, throughout the years i have learned to distance myself from him. i molded my entire life and outlook on the world based on everything he is not. where he embraced anger, i pursued peace. where he maintained selfishness, i pushed for selflessness. where he destroyed, i built up. where he lacked, i gained. i promised myself, not one ounce of who he was would seep into my identity. i would be nothing like him...ever.

well, one can only imagine the effects of such a dynamic relationship on a young girl. that father-daughter bond is one that has been researched, categorized, and written about for centuries. yet, i myself refused to have any part in that sort of affair. i couldn't love my father, nor could i forgive him for the years of heartache he caused me and my family. in fact, i didn't want to. i didn't want to deal with all the pain, built up over twenty-one years of living in this wretched dynamic. i couldn't face it all. it was too much to bear. so, throughout the years i found myself constructing this wall, against him and all the pain he caused. this construction became so constant it was merely subconscious.

until, one day, i came running, head first, full speed at this very wall. to my utter surprise, its strength and height were beyond compare. what a haunting experience it was to come face to face with this self-constructed hindrance. at first, like any human, i avoided it. i denied it. because i knew its utter presence brought with it the knowledge of its destruction. a feat much too painful to entertain. so, it simply did not exist.

but, it wasn't long before it began to rule my life, taking control like a power-hungry tyrant. everything was hindered by its presence, for i was bound to it, unable to break through. i simply was not free.

it was only then that i came face to face with a much more painful undertaking: the destruction of the very wall i had created. just the very thought sent chills down my spine. for there are years of pain built up in that thing. and once it comes done, there's no rebuilding. once it comes down, i have to face it all. once it comes down, the most enduring, life-altering experience will run its course. and i am not quite sure if i am ready for that yet.

but, we are called to live in freedom. the scriptures are littered with people who endured, who broke down the walls of this world, who suffered. people who came out of the darkness! for it is time to come out of hiding. it is time to embrace our calling. it is time to break free of these walls, of this world. it is time to begin living in the heavenly realms of freedom. it is time we brought that freedom crashing down on earth. it is time i begin tearing down this wall.


...perhaps i have only begun with a chisel, but i have begun.

"this life is Yours and hope is rising

as Your glory floods our hearts
let love tear down these walls."
tear down the walls - hillsong united

::light::

sunlight breaks through the morning clouds,

reflecting back the glories of the earth.

the light of hope shines forth,
as the darkness fades.
and all that remains
is the culmination of your undaunting beauty,
a flourishing rose
amongst the wildflowers.

::snow::

lately, i have found myself in a bit of a rut. the ending of a semester brings with it a multitude of factors. one of them, in powerful strength, is business. papers take up much more space on my hard-drive than i ever expected. exams loom around the corner. and time is invested within the demands of 'finishing strong.' it all seems quite normal to the typical college student. something we must expect with the territory we have chosen. simple logic.

yet, for me the end of this semester has brought a particular sense of stress that i have not been able to shake nor understand for the past few days. yet, as i sit in peaceful silence today i become clearly aware of the state my circumstances have produced. so caught up in the stringent requirements of papers, exams, assignments, and quizzes, i quickly lost time. as i invested more and more time into school, i lost more and more time with our beautiful Saviour. soon, i found myself going days without a real, meaningful interaction with our Father. instead, the load of classes seemed to be a heavy burden to bear and stress crept in.

i became overwhelmed with the tasks at hand. barely able to concentrate. deadlines, flying at record speed towards me, seemed too close to meet. and i became completely aware of my own futility. i was weary. and growing more and more so daily. until today. a day of beauty, peace, revelation, and recovery...

_____________________

my parents are currently out of town, visiting some relatives half-way around the world in the beautiful country of south africa. now, this leaves me with the task of arising every day at four am to let my not-yet-potty-trained pup outside. this morning, i arose about a half hour late. stumbling out of bed, i grabbed a coat and slipped on my boots, remembering to grab some treats to thwart dalton's nipping habit. anyway, as we both sleepily headed out the front door, i was peacefully stunned.

there was an undisturbed dusting of snow upon the ground and snowflakes lightly descending from the heavens above. it was a tranquil moment, undeniably drenched in the presence of our God. i quickly became lost in the scene, taking it all in. the still night sky, muddled with the overlapping of fluffy clouds, a hint of the early morning light breaking through as beautiful white fluttered down around me. hmmm, it was simply breathtaking. i could have stood there, lost in that beauty for eternity. but, a light tug on the leash i was apparently still holding onto caught my attention. and there was my pup, enjoying God's reminder of his glorious beauty as well...except dalton chose to appreciate it by pouncing around, attacking the snow, and upsetting the serenity of it all. yet, his joyful disposition at this wondrous new thing brought a smile to my face. God's power was undaunting. in one moment he managed to remind me of so much...his presence, his beauty, his peace, his joy, his sustenance. he truly is everything.

when i awoke again at seven this morning to fully start my day, i was filled with an undeniable calm. and, i knew it came from my wondrous encounter only a few hours before. as the day progressed, i became clearly aware of the lifted burden from my shoulders. suddenly, school seemed to be but a tiny task in the beautiful day ahead. nothing seemed to matter quite as much as our LORD, who once again came to take the throne upon my life. for we are not meant to be ruled by the things of this world, but rather by our heavenly Father. all else will fade, and only he will stand...in stunning brilliance.

although the world may try to beat the truth out of us, it still remains: he is all we need.

"and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:7

::india::

there is a passion within my soul.

a yearning too great for words.

and, it grows daily.

pushing me closer and closer to the edge of this plunge.

my heart longs for the over-populated, impoverished, beautiful country of india.

it speaks of immense color and culture.

a world far from our own.

threatening a difference most are afraid of.

yet, they are beautiful people.

wondrous, if i may.

i am held in awe by their customs, their beliefs, their tradition.

i am drawn to their way of life .

i am broken for their poverty.

i am desperate for their understanding.

i am passionate, passionate, passionate about these people.

i am all but ready to jump.

"it is impossible not to be astonished by india. nowhere on earth does humanity present itself in such a dizzying, creative burst of cultures and religions, races and tongues....every aspect of the country presents itself on a massive, exaggerated scale, worthy in comparison only to the superlative mountains that overshadow it."

::floating::

it is simple beauty the way music can inspire.

even that of wordless song.

the movement of rhythm.

as the sound of strings, percussion, and bass blend so vividly.

they paint a picture before me.

and, i am lost within this world of sheer eloquence.

i seemed to have lost my footing.

there is but air beneath by soles.

any trace of solid ground has vanished from my vision.

and, i am spinning.

wildly out of control.

yet, peaceful.

as i float up to the heavens, i can only glimpse that waiting eternity.

my soul soars at only the promise of His awaited return.

ohh, my heart yearns for it.

so, further i go.

losing all that has held me to this world for so long.

i am free.

"floating away in every direction"

::inconveniences::

last night, my brother was returning home from a business trip in cleveland, ohio. he had been gone for only a few days, but the distance still wore on him, resulting in his ever-eager enthusiasm to return home. scheduled to arrive in minneapolis 800 that night, he was all but content. however, his plans were quickly thrust out of control when the short flight from cleveland to minneapolis was cancelled. instead, the airline booked him on a flight to atlanta, where he would catch a connection to minneapolis. a bit disgruntled, he accepted his defeat, and held onto his refined goal of arriving home 1130 that night. yet, again, control seemed to thwart him. the airline appeared to lose his confirmation and thus gave away his seat on the connecting flight back to minneapolis now resulting in an overnight stay at the airport and an early 600 flight the next morning. this, for him, was simply too much.

calling, calling, and calling he attempted to right this wrong done to him, even with the mindset of getting something for his troubles...a free ticket perhaps. because, this whole fiasco was the fault of non other than the airline, a glitch in the system, and some poor receptionist attempting to get through her shift. but, for his inconveniences, the airline must surely pay. he must be reimbursed for the hours waited and the growing irritation. it's only fair, right?

frustrating, i am sure of it. yet, to make this predicament one level short of a lawsuit seems to be outrageous. he did arrive home safe and sound this morning by 800, isn't that all we can ask of? apparently not. because, it appears that what counts as satisfactory service, is prompt, flawless performance in which we are encased within the comfort and ease of this type of lifestyle. if we are inconvenienced in the slightest, there must be something wrong with the entire system. for, anything short of perfection is simply unacceptable.

the system is broken. but, not the one of cancelled flights and computer glitches. no, the system i am referring to is the one we ourselves are the composers of. a system that deems our feeble complaints of a delayed flight home as a reasonable grievance, while six-hundred-forty million children around the world find themselves void of shelter this very second. a system that encourages our lawsuits and court cases, raking in the money, while eighty percent of humanity lives of less than ten dollars a day. a system where the little inconveniences thrown my way are given more attention than the starving, malnourished child downtown.

...ohh, how lost we are becoming in this all-consuming world. i can feel it overtaking. we are losing a part of our souls this very instant. because, the world and its discontentment is taking control. but, in this moment of clarity, i am reminded of how bountiful the harvest is. we are blessed beyond compare to any nation on this earth. we have been given so much, too much. so, with each passing frustration let us acknowledge our wealth. with each inconvenience let us remember our blessings. and, now with this, may we move forward in the blessing of others. let's upset the balance. and, let's fix the system.

"true compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. it comes to see that a system that produces beggars needs to be repaved."

shane claiborne - 'the irresistible revolution'

::beauty::

it is autumn.

and, the leaves are slowly fading from green, to yellow, to vibrant oranges and reds. then, as each reaches it's peak, they fall, gliding down to the pavement below. some reach the ground with little disturbment, while others are taken up in the wind. it is unknown where those few end up, now at the will of the whatever storm the world has brewing.

but, it is in the midst of this season, where the colors are breath-taking, the movement of leaves quite peaceful, and the flow of nature rather mysterious, that i am awestruck by a beauty that somehow took me by surprise. as if the season came before i were aware of its arrival.

yet, here i am. in the middle of this undeniably beautiful scene, and it occurs to me that this picture is a stunning representation of our very world and the multitude of souls drifting along. and, although some are lost along the way being taken up by the storm, or buried behind the glow of another, each and every one is needed.

for as each leaf represents a spirit in the grandeur of this painting, i am firm in the believe that the loss of even one, would jeopardize the splendor of the entire scene.

see lately, i have found my heart breaking even more rigidly for the lost in our world. the marginalized, the broken, the hopeless, the scared, the abused: the buried, the ones taken up by the storm. for, they are lost within a tormented hell our world has helped create specifically for them. we have become mere landlords to them. the rich, unable to personalize and compassionately love them. we have made them a symbol of the unwanted, the not needed, the forgotten. we have pushed them from our hearts. and, we have ultimately accepted their defeat.

and now, it is directly in line with our actions, that many of these souls have become truly lost. divulging into their all-consuming thoughts that they have nothing left to live for. preparing to take their own lives, in a simple effort to rid themselves of this living hell we have enclosed them into. and, this, my dear friends, is a tragedy both too numerous and too unnoticed in our world.

because, for every soul we have convinced is not worthy, is a leaf we have ultimately erased from this magnificent painting. resulting in an ever-present ink-stain, an unfixable blemish we helped create. and this is too great a burden to bear. for, the loss of a soul on our conscious is a death much too tragic. yet, it is only when we reach this point, when our vision defogs to reveal the unmistakable err in our ways, that we become aware of the graceful autumn scene playing before us.

so, here i stand, in the midst of this stunning brilliance of autumn, finally convinced that i have blotted out enough leaves to continue down this path. my selfishness, my greed, my pride has cost the marginalized enough. it is time to personalize them again. it is time to release them from bondage. it is time to give them a voice. it is time to remind them that they have everything to live for. it is time to allow their beauty to shine. because, it is their brilliant color that reveals the masterpiece of this autumn scene.

"when we are first aware of our own brokenness, our eyes are opened to see our own faces in the faces of the oppressed and to see our own hands in the hands of the oppressors. then we shall all be truly free."

shane claiborne - 'the irresistible revolution'

::believe::

life comes with its destructions.

threatening all within its path that offers a beauty greater than this world.

for darkness cannot afford to lose. so, it must do all it can to fight back the light.

and, as the battle wages, each side takes its blow.

but, in the end...life must prevail.

for it is life that we are promised.

it is life that HE died for.

so, we must hold tight.

we must remember...

"let the light shine out the darkness...

we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;

perplexed, but not in despair;

persecuted, but not abandoned;

struck down, but not destroyed."

2 Corinthians 4:6;8-9

there is much hate.

much darkness.

much violence.

much evil.

but, we must overcome.

for there is even more love.

even more light.

even more peace.

even more good.

we must fight the good fight.

for, we will win.

we must simply believe so.

"everything is gonna be alright.

everything is gonna be alright.

everything is gonna be alright.

be strong.

believe."

::broken::

this world is heavy.

and, lately, i am finding its troubles at my doorstep. i have become weary and burdened by its affliction. and every wound it incurs becomes branded upon my very soul.

cutting.

burning.

scaring.

for my heart begins to bleed with this world.

perhaps this picture i am painting becomes just as heavy as this broken world.

as if i have no one to blame but myself for carrying this burden so strong.

as if i have no place in the midst of it all.

as if to walk away is peace.

...as if.

for, i have found clarity in the bars of a song,

in the words of broken revolutionaries hoping for something greater than this world:

"heal my heart and make it clean.

open up my heart to the things unseen.

show me how to love like you have loved me.

break my heart for what breaks Yours.

everything i am for Your kingdom's cause.

as i go from nothing to...

eternity."

and i am reminded of the brokeness innate to us all.

this cry of fellow sinners is one which echoes across humanity as we

stir.

pray.

seek.

a kingdom greater than our own.

a heavenly kingdom.

a kingdom in tune with our Saviour.

for, as we begin to walk more and more in harmony with the footsteps of our heavenly Creator,

we find a way of life in the margins of society.

a way of life abandoned by many in fear of social disaster, social suicide.

but, a way of life embraced by few in the finding of freedom from the chains of this very world we claim citizenship.

and, as we begin to walk more and more in harmony with the footsteps of our heavenly Creator,

we find His way of life.

one not of this world.

but, not one void of this world.

for we have been called forth, placed in the margins

for a divine purpose.

a purpose which breaks our heart for the pains of our Heavenly Creator.

a way of life that hungers for something greater than this world.

a calling in which we step outside the norm and

h o p e

for something more beautiful.

for when our hearts break for the broken,

we are thrust into a realm more heavenly than our own.

a realm in which our hearts will yearn for the restoration of

our world.

"Heal the sick who are there and tell them, 'The Kingdom of God is near you.'"

Luke 10:9

::reminisce::

how did we get here?

it seems almost like yesterday there was only safety in your name.

this comfort that overtook with a power like that of the crashing seas.

undeniable.

you.

and now...

time has run its course. the sand has run out.

and we are left. alone.

with only our memories to hold onto.

it was as if our naivety tricked us into believing we were stronger.

as if we could take on the world together.

as if it would be enough.

...as if we knew everything.

now the cymbal crashes as it reaches the coda.

and we find ourselves here.

so far. so lost.

so much further from truth than we ever thought possible.

and i can't help but wonder...what if.

::hope::

i found myself in complete disbelief today, for the friend i once knew has come back only to vanish. not a even a mere glimpse of the past remains. and although moving backwards seems rather foolish, his very steps forward appear to be an utter destruction of his own self.

and my heart breaks, as all that i believe in him slowly dissolves right before my eyes.

and it becomes rather painful to simply sit. as memories of who he used to be flood in and out, reminding me all over again of all that is lost. of all that once was. of all that could be. and as i begin to reminisce my mind slips, drifting further and further from reality, and dwelling on mere memories to keep the dream afloat. wishing, if only for a second, that my thoughts would somehow bring about his recovery. for seeing him this way is...inexpressibly mournful.

but, as my mind races to find the words to say or the steps to take to guide his healing, my heart seems to catch up to the matter. for mere words and subtle actions can only go so far to those whose hearts have been hardened. and, it is there that i reach a point when my desperate attempts to direct someone else's path prove futile. for who am i, but a mere sinner, to guide another's life to salvation? what more do i know than my fellow brother?

but, still i must hope.

for maybe it is for the best. maybe his detour will lead him somewhere beautiful. as if his journey along this treacherous, deadly path will come to find a clearing up ahead, as the darkness fades and only light, in stunning brilliance, remains. oh, my heart yearns for that. my soul prays for this salvation, this rest, this simple beauty in the midst of the shadows that appear to cloud his very life.

and, as my heart continues to break for the path he has chosen and as my mind continues to mourn with dreadful affliction for my fellow brother, i find that there is something much greater lingering just below the suffering. if only he holds on long enough to unearth it, the beauty will astound him. pushing him to restore not just who he once was, but all that he could be.

for there is salvation. there is rest. there is beauty. because, my God is bigger. and in that, i hope.

"be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

Romans 12:12

::disturbed::

"God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable."

i have definitely been one of the disturbed calmed within the presence of our LORD. For He has this magnificent power beyond understanding that moves mountains within our very souls. it becomes breath-taking in action, as the mountain of your despair, distress, and ultimately disturbia is broken before your eyes, allowing your heart to triumph in rest.

lately, however, my comfort has been rather disturbed by this very same powerfully, beautiful Divine. i am beginning to find my life unbearably comfortable.

the ease with which each day comes and goes begins to wear heavily on my soul as i am reminded of the desolate.

the lost separated by miles and miles of social injustice.

the broken.

it is in this moment that i begin to see my comfortable world being ripped to shreds.

as my heart is being reformed, reshaped, remolded.

as my heart begins to break in tune with that of my Heavenly Father.

as my heart is being set apart.

it is here that my life becomes more than one of the comfortable.

more than one of the ordinaries.

more than the constraints of society.

more than the status quo.

more. more. more.

it is in this moment that my life becomes flipped upside down and inside out.

it is here that i become disturbed beyond which society can handle.

it is now that i live.

::love::

this past week has been one of absolute praise.

i have found myself, my heart, and ultimately my life to be undeniably free.

i cannot even begin to explain to you the euphoric feeling which comes with that realization.

i cannot stop smiling. and i cannot stop singing praises to this King who has broken my chains.

as a result, this past week, my ipod has found "repeat" a common button when it comes to hillsong.

these songs are filled with praises. shouting unto God. surrendering all to Him. and lifting His name high. 

most days, i ride the bus to school, and there, i sit. rocking out, praising my LORD in the midst of about fifty other people. most of the time, i find my mind needing to constrain the rest of my body from jumping out of that seat and dancing for my King. it's a beautiful thing.

this morning, my ears were yet again ringing the sounds of this band who cannot get enough of their Savior. and the song "solution" began to play. the tune immediately caught the attention of my ears. but, the words slowed down my brain's activity long enough for the meaning to seep through, drenching my heart in exactly what it means to love.

"it is not a human right

to stare not fight

while broken nations dream

open up our eyes, so blind

that we might find

the Mercy for the need

singing, hey now

fill our hearts with Your compassion

as we hold to our confession

it is not too far a cry

to much to try

to help the least of these

politics will not decide

if we should rise

and be Your hands and feet

singing, hey now

fill our hearts with Your compassion

as we hold to our confession

only You can mend the broken heart

and cause the blind to see

erase complete the sinner's past

and set the captives free

only You can take the widow's cry

and cause her heart to sing

be a Father to the fatherless

Out Savior and our King"

it seems that in our society today, this word "love" has become mixed and muddled within cultural norms, peer pressure, expectations, and every worldly opinion you can imagine.

when someone brings up "love," we are immediately drawn to talking about relationships with significant others and broken hearts resulting from those very relationships. this is how "love" is categorized. this becomes our backboard when we seek answers on the deep, many times unattainable meaning of this heavy word. this is what "love" has become.

and most times, we come to the conclusion that love is just that, unattainable. 

but, today, listening to that song on my bus ride home, i was whip-lashed with a sense of my betrayal against authentic love.

love in its purest, most beautiful form is not an obsession or consumption of our hearts in our other half. that, my friends, is only a mere glimpse of the magnificence of love.

love, in its most perfect form, is this man Jesus. this man who came to earth and became human. flesh. just like you and me. who loved unconditionally. who did not care about the tattered clothes upon your dirt-covered body. or the gold consuming not just your house, but your heart. this man who threw out the window every expected social norm, rule, and regulation.

this is love. unhindered, unadulterated, pure, unequivocal love.

you are called to be the hands and feet of this very man, Jesus

you were created to be a light in the darkest of places.

you were meant to shine.

"we will be Your hands, we will be Your feet

we will run this race for the least of these

on the darkest place, we will be Your light

we will be Your light"

maybe, just maybe, once we learn to love, to truly love, in its most perfect form, we will know beyond reason what it means, what it is. 

"you, my brothers, were called to be free. but do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love."

Galatians 5:13

::reality::

it all becomes somewhat surreal at some point.

as if i have stepped outside of myself and watch as this character in a play indulges within reality, embracing every struggle the world throws her way, hoping to see, one day, a glimpse of that promised peace.

one of my favorite past times is watching old home videos of me and my brother.

there is comfort in finding some sort of touch with a younger version of yourself.

back in the day when our biggest brawl involved the saying, "daddy, film me!"

i smile as i reminisce on those calmer days.

ones void of this current strife and worry i find around every corner.

ones simple and beautiful in that child-like nature.

for it is now that we find ourselves rather tormented by the reality and weight of the world in a time much before we were ready to face it all.

i am twenty-years old. and i feel somewhat old.

but i have the rest of my life ahead of me.

the world waiting at my fingertips.

ready for my presence to grace it. to impact it.

still so young. still so much more to travel. still miles upon miles left untouched.

and, yet, here i stand, much more grown up than i ever imagined.

the world has done its job.

stripping away my childhood fantasies more and more each day.

replacing them with a much more brutal sense of reality.

for my heart has been broken. in more ways than one.

my plans have been crushed beneath the feet of others.

my dreams stolen out of my very grip.

my soul chained within constraints much too powerful.

at twenty-years old, that seems rather grown-up.

as if i have heard enough, seen enough, experienced enough to be one of the wise.

those whose pain has fostered growth for the telling of the younger.

as if our strife was so endured to spare them of their own.

so the wise will educate the foolish, the not yet learned, the naive, the innocent.

doing so in a desperate attempt to allow their innocence to remain if only for a few seconds longer than our own.

for once we lose our innocence, the world and its reality comes crashing down.

weighing heavily upon our already burdened shoulders.

promising all that comes with destruction. promising defeat.

or worse...consumption.

for the weight becomes too much to bear.

and instead of fighting, we give in.

we allow the reality to devour us.

making us its puppet. unresistingly willing to be at its service.

losing ourselves, our very identity in the process.

instead becoming a pawn. just like the others. with no control. no voice.

and it is here, it is at this point, where the foolish become the wise.

it is their brokenness that pushes them to hope.

it is their lack of control that forces them to faith.

it is that very burden of reality that strengthens them.

it is here, it is now, that this heaviness of reality becomes beautifully freeing.

as if embracing the struggle truly did bring about that promised glimpse of hope.

as if this harsh reality of the world was merely a messenger. a path. a way. only part of the equation.

which brought about completion in true reality: the freedom. the hope. the promise. 

all found in holding on when you have every reason to let go

all found in fighting when you have every reason to admit defeat.

all found in faith. all found in Christ.

and our conception, our understanding of reality is beautifully altered

as if it is the storm the world had brewing was put to death in Christ.

"i want you to know how much i am struggling for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally. my purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."

Colossians 2:1-3

::ballad::

it is done.

i find myself here, tonight, left with this eerie silence of what once was. 

and, i am not quite sure what that means yet. where that leaves me. where i go from here.

i seem to be at a loss. for the reality of it all seems to be sinking in.

the broken promises are making headline news. the fallen hearts seem to pour like raindrops out of a thunder cloud. and the truth begins to sting like a brand new wound.

it came. much too soon. taking over before anyone had the chance to notice its arrival.

now, please do not be mistaken, for it is not pain, or anger, or sadness which burdens me tonight.

that has been healed. that has been cleansed. my soul has been renewed from those emotions.

but tonight, i find a new emotion at my doorstep. one stored away neatly in a cardboard box, beneath layers of already damaged tissue paper. and as i unearth it, i find that tonight, that heaviness pressing in seems to bring the realization that this burden is loss. this sense that something great and beautiful and majestic has simply come to an end. it is simply done.

the clocks will not turn back. as time never stops. 

the decisions never re-done. for what is done is done.

the outcome is here. unchanging. unstoppable. simply, here.

the reasons for this outcome are much like the journey itself. 

jumbled and confused. broken as well as muddled. exhausting along with strenuous. unyielding as much as resistant. wearing, draining, tiring.  

in other words: a complete mess.

but at the same time irrevocably beautiful. 

its magnificence was undeniable. for it was one of those stories i had always dreamt about.

a fairy tale, in my eyes. something much too fanciful for reality with castles and dragons. 

so, when reality finally hit, my castle came crashing down. princess, prince, dragon, and all.

and there i lay. broken. lost. and alone. with pieces scattered for miles. reconstruction seemed rather impossible.

but the pieces now left come together quite gracefully. quite differently. as if this master Composer took my story, my song, and strung together all which was left. arranging the notes rather perfectly to form this beautiful melody of a ballad. 

and it is here, it is now, that i say my goodbyes. leaving in the past, the past.

while memories will never allow for forgetting, the remembrance now brings smiles rather than tears. and the loss, once so heavy, now finds comfort in the journey. 

because this Composer has written a ballad so authentically stunning, i am mesmerized. 

the notes seem to fly off the page. immersing every fiber of my being.

and i begin this beautiful dance with my King.

"then the maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. i will turn their mourning into gladness; i will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."

Jeremiah 31:13

::peace::

there is a treacherous journey before you. one which takes oh so much of who you are.

one which takes a toll not just on your mind, but also your heart, as well as your very soul.

it threatens death, of all those who invest in its time. it promises brokenness. it guarantees pain. and it requires strength beyond your own capacities. 

but when its presence reveals itself, it is undeniable, rather by shock over any other factor.

for it comes silently, unknowingly, creeping deeper and deeper within you, until it overtakes.

and suddenly, you find yourself standing. looking back upon this journey, only to realize you have graced the top of the mountain. 

and as you stand the lenses begin to unfog, your eyes adjust to your new surroundings, and finally, it comes into view.

the horizon now stands as your compass. pointing freedom every which way you turn. the world now at your fingertips. 

all that threatened death once before has vanished. the darkness and gloom that came with your inevitable death has since been conquered.

and now, in its place, are a vast array of lights and colors beautifully perfected from this new perspective atop the slopes, elegantly hanging from its canvas of the heavens. 

the picture before you is one which stuns you, stills you in the very moment as your eyes connect with it. 

it brings a moment of silence. a moment of unparalleled peace. 

and in this moment, all which was once hidden along the journey is now revealed in spectacular wonder before the very mountain you find yourself upon. 

the valley no longer becomes a symbol of death, but rather one of triumph.

for as you look back, you see as the pages of your journey begin to unravel before your very eyes.

the tears turn into strength. the pain to joy. the lies to truth. the despair to hope.

you find your body overwhelmed with this sense of peace as you discover that your death has ultimately turned into life.

And there you stand. Atop this mountain. Stunned in the realization:

YOU ARE VICTORIOUS.

the suffering ran its course. the tears were cried. the words thrown. the battle fought. and, not only did you get out alive, but you won. you won not through your own capabilities or wit or strength, but rather of One much greater than yourself. For it is only through Him that we are able to do immeasurably more than anything we could ever ask or imagine. For it is only through Him that we find our strength to get back up, our joy to defeat the pain, our truth to shatter the lies, our hope in moments of despair. For it is through Him, and Him alone that we RECLAIM our lives. 

"the LORD gives strength to His people, the LORD blesses His people with peace."

Psalm 29:11

::vulnerability::

this seems to be a growing concept in the realms of my life right now.

being brought to the surface through a variety of experiences and relationships.

i see as those around me begin to unveil their true self. i watch as their hidden reality becomes exposed.

and there they stand.

naked.

...for the world to see.

this picture, for most, can quickly become something much too graphic.

as if this person, in their fleeting moment of despair, unveiled more than too much to the world.

as if this stripping of their walls is rather detrimental to their souls.

as if the world could never handle the full weight of a person's true self.

but, to me, it has become a picture of stunning brilliance.

one whose simple beauty is beyond words.

beyond description.

beyond anything human.

to me, this stripping away, this unveiling, this vulnerability is the perfection of elegance.

it is a graceful action that allows for us to step further and further into the realms of freedom.

as all that confines us falls away. and all that is us remans.

for it becomes this beautiful journey of simply being.

::rain::

it's been a few days since my fingers have graced a keyboard for the purposes of spilling some part of my heart upon this space. and, as i sit here, i find it difficult to even articulate the many emotions and thoughts racing frantically through this fast-paced brain of mine. they whizz in and out of consciousness, allowing little time for me to fully grasp their depth and meaning. i see only glimpses, for the state i find myself in tonight is one of indifference. 

a state much too meaningless to search for meaning. i would rather allow my emotions to pass through, run their course, without even stopping to analyze them at all. 

maybe i am here tonight, because the clock is moving much too quickly, because my eyelids are beginning to droop as they fight this battle of time. 

or maybe, it is all finally catching up to me. maybe this decision i have chosen is one which holds much more significance than i thought. maybe this burden which i find myself ridding from my life, actually weighs much more than i remembered. maybe this action has yet to fully run its course mentally. maybe the weight of it all, the meaning, the significance, and the  implications have yet to sink in. 

perhaps my brain and heart have chosen to run through the motions. keeping the reality hidden. keeping the emotions, which are dying to erupt, suppressed. 

perhaps the easier, less cloudy option is to simply carry out my plan, without the thought of tears or emotion. perhaps the absence of the involvement of my heart would allow the process to define simplicity. 

but ease never truly promises fulfillment, does it?

the tears, in the end, always seems to be the less cloudy road. for fulfillment is not measured in this moment, but through this moment. 

perhaps it's time i rid myself of this umbrella, desperately trying to shelter myself from the inevitable downpour about to disrupt the light. perhaps it is time i felt the true weight of this storm. allowing the tears to fall, the heavens to open, and the waters to give way. allowing it to pour. as it washes away the old. as it cleanses the stains. and, as it purifies all which has been marred by this world.

for after the storm, there is always a clearing. the clouds never stay. for the heavens open up in a whole new way, shining down upon us a light much brighter than the one before, reflecting a sky much more hopeful than the darkness of the first. but one which is just as beautiful.

"He is like the light of morning on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth."

2 Samuel 23:4