::disturbed::

"God comforts the disturbed and disturbs the comfortable."

i have definitely been one of the disturbed calmed within the presence of our LORD. For He has this magnificent power beyond understanding that moves mountains within our very souls. it becomes breath-taking in action, as the mountain of your despair, distress, and ultimately disturbia is broken before your eyes, allowing your heart to triumph in rest.

lately, however, my comfort has been rather disturbed by this very same powerfully, beautiful Divine. i am beginning to find my life unbearably comfortable.

the ease with which each day comes and goes begins to wear heavily on my soul as i am reminded of the desolate.

the lost separated by miles and miles of social injustice.

the broken.

it is in this moment that i begin to see my comfortable world being ripped to shreds.

as my heart is being reformed, reshaped, remolded.

as my heart begins to break in tune with that of my Heavenly Father.

as my heart is being set apart.

it is here that my life becomes more than one of the comfortable.

more than one of the ordinaries.

more than the constraints of society.

more than the status quo.

more. more. more.

it is in this moment that my life becomes flipped upside down and inside out.

it is here that i become disturbed beyond which society can handle.

it is now that i live.

::love::

this past week has been one of absolute praise.

i have found myself, my heart, and ultimately my life to be undeniably free.

i cannot even begin to explain to you the euphoric feeling which comes with that realization.

i cannot stop smiling. and i cannot stop singing praises to this King who has broken my chains.

as a result, this past week, my ipod has found "repeat" a common button when it comes to hillsong.

these songs are filled with praises. shouting unto God. surrendering all to Him. and lifting His name high. 

most days, i ride the bus to school, and there, i sit. rocking out, praising my LORD in the midst of about fifty other people. most of the time, i find my mind needing to constrain the rest of my body from jumping out of that seat and dancing for my King. it's a beautiful thing.

this morning, my ears were yet again ringing the sounds of this band who cannot get enough of their Savior. and the song "solution" began to play. the tune immediately caught the attention of my ears. but, the words slowed down my brain's activity long enough for the meaning to seep through, drenching my heart in exactly what it means to love.

"it is not a human right

to stare not fight

while broken nations dream

open up our eyes, so blind

that we might find

the Mercy for the need

singing, hey now

fill our hearts with Your compassion

as we hold to our confession

it is not too far a cry

to much to try

to help the least of these

politics will not decide

if we should rise

and be Your hands and feet

singing, hey now

fill our hearts with Your compassion

as we hold to our confession

only You can mend the broken heart

and cause the blind to see

erase complete the sinner's past

and set the captives free

only You can take the widow's cry

and cause her heart to sing

be a Father to the fatherless

Out Savior and our King"

it seems that in our society today, this word "love" has become mixed and muddled within cultural norms, peer pressure, expectations, and every worldly opinion you can imagine.

when someone brings up "love," we are immediately drawn to talking about relationships with significant others and broken hearts resulting from those very relationships. this is how "love" is categorized. this becomes our backboard when we seek answers on the deep, many times unattainable meaning of this heavy word. this is what "love" has become.

and most times, we come to the conclusion that love is just that, unattainable. 

but, today, listening to that song on my bus ride home, i was whip-lashed with a sense of my betrayal against authentic love.

love in its purest, most beautiful form is not an obsession or consumption of our hearts in our other half. that, my friends, is only a mere glimpse of the magnificence of love.

love, in its most perfect form, is this man Jesus. this man who came to earth and became human. flesh. just like you and me. who loved unconditionally. who did not care about the tattered clothes upon your dirt-covered body. or the gold consuming not just your house, but your heart. this man who threw out the window every expected social norm, rule, and regulation.

this is love. unhindered, unadulterated, pure, unequivocal love.

you are called to be the hands and feet of this very man, Jesus

you were created to be a light in the darkest of places.

you were meant to shine.

"we will be Your hands, we will be Your feet

we will run this race for the least of these

on the darkest place, we will be Your light

we will be Your light"

maybe, just maybe, once we learn to love, to truly love, in its most perfect form, we will know beyond reason what it means, what it is. 

"you, my brothers, were called to be free. but do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love."

Galatians 5:13

::reality::

it all becomes somewhat surreal at some point.

as if i have stepped outside of myself and watch as this character in a play indulges within reality, embracing every struggle the world throws her way, hoping to see, one day, a glimpse of that promised peace.

one of my favorite past times is watching old home videos of me and my brother.

there is comfort in finding some sort of touch with a younger version of yourself.

back in the day when our biggest brawl involved the saying, "daddy, film me!"

i smile as i reminisce on those calmer days.

ones void of this current strife and worry i find around every corner.

ones simple and beautiful in that child-like nature.

for it is now that we find ourselves rather tormented by the reality and weight of the world in a time much before we were ready to face it all.

i am twenty-years old. and i feel somewhat old.

but i have the rest of my life ahead of me.

the world waiting at my fingertips.

ready for my presence to grace it. to impact it.

still so young. still so much more to travel. still miles upon miles left untouched.

and, yet, here i stand, much more grown up than i ever imagined.

the world has done its job.

stripping away my childhood fantasies more and more each day.

replacing them with a much more brutal sense of reality.

for my heart has been broken. in more ways than one.

my plans have been crushed beneath the feet of others.

my dreams stolen out of my very grip.

my soul chained within constraints much too powerful.

at twenty-years old, that seems rather grown-up.

as if i have heard enough, seen enough, experienced enough to be one of the wise.

those whose pain has fostered growth for the telling of the younger.

as if our strife was so endured to spare them of their own.

so the wise will educate the foolish, the not yet learned, the naive, the innocent.

doing so in a desperate attempt to allow their innocence to remain if only for a few seconds longer than our own.

for once we lose our innocence, the world and its reality comes crashing down.

weighing heavily upon our already burdened shoulders.

promising all that comes with destruction. promising defeat.

or worse...consumption.

for the weight becomes too much to bear.

and instead of fighting, we give in.

we allow the reality to devour us.

making us its puppet. unresistingly willing to be at its service.

losing ourselves, our very identity in the process.

instead becoming a pawn. just like the others. with no control. no voice.

and it is here, it is at this point, where the foolish become the wise.

it is their brokenness that pushes them to hope.

it is their lack of control that forces them to faith.

it is that very burden of reality that strengthens them.

it is here, it is now, that this heaviness of reality becomes beautifully freeing.

as if embracing the struggle truly did bring about that promised glimpse of hope.

as if this harsh reality of the world was merely a messenger. a path. a way. only part of the equation.

which brought about completion in true reality: the freedom. the hope. the promise. 

all found in holding on when you have every reason to let go

all found in fighting when you have every reason to admit defeat.

all found in faith. all found in Christ.

and our conception, our understanding of reality is beautifully altered

as if it is the storm the world had brewing was put to death in Christ.

"i want you to know how much i am struggling for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally. my purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."

Colossians 2:1-3

::ballad::

it is done.

i find myself here, tonight, left with this eerie silence of what once was. 

and, i am not quite sure what that means yet. where that leaves me. where i go from here.

i seem to be at a loss. for the reality of it all seems to be sinking in.

the broken promises are making headline news. the fallen hearts seem to pour like raindrops out of a thunder cloud. and the truth begins to sting like a brand new wound.

it came. much too soon. taking over before anyone had the chance to notice its arrival.

now, please do not be mistaken, for it is not pain, or anger, or sadness which burdens me tonight.

that has been healed. that has been cleansed. my soul has been renewed from those emotions.

but tonight, i find a new emotion at my doorstep. one stored away neatly in a cardboard box, beneath layers of already damaged tissue paper. and as i unearth it, i find that tonight, that heaviness pressing in seems to bring the realization that this burden is loss. this sense that something great and beautiful and majestic has simply come to an end. it is simply done.

the clocks will not turn back. as time never stops. 

the decisions never re-done. for what is done is done.

the outcome is here. unchanging. unstoppable. simply, here.

the reasons for this outcome are much like the journey itself. 

jumbled and confused. broken as well as muddled. exhausting along with strenuous. unyielding as much as resistant. wearing, draining, tiring.  

in other words: a complete mess.

but at the same time irrevocably beautiful. 

its magnificence was undeniable. for it was one of those stories i had always dreamt about.

a fairy tale, in my eyes. something much too fanciful for reality with castles and dragons. 

so, when reality finally hit, my castle came crashing down. princess, prince, dragon, and all.

and there i lay. broken. lost. and alone. with pieces scattered for miles. reconstruction seemed rather impossible.

but the pieces now left come together quite gracefully. quite differently. as if this master Composer took my story, my song, and strung together all which was left. arranging the notes rather perfectly to form this beautiful melody of a ballad. 

and it is here, it is now, that i say my goodbyes. leaving in the past, the past.

while memories will never allow for forgetting, the remembrance now brings smiles rather than tears. and the loss, once so heavy, now finds comfort in the journey. 

because this Composer has written a ballad so authentically stunning, i am mesmerized. 

the notes seem to fly off the page. immersing every fiber of my being.

and i begin this beautiful dance with my King.

"then the maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. i will turn their mourning into gladness; i will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow."

Jeremiah 31:13

::peace::

there is a treacherous journey before you. one which takes oh so much of who you are.

one which takes a toll not just on your mind, but also your heart, as well as your very soul.

it threatens death, of all those who invest in its time. it promises brokenness. it guarantees pain. and it requires strength beyond your own capacities. 

but when its presence reveals itself, it is undeniable, rather by shock over any other factor.

for it comes silently, unknowingly, creeping deeper and deeper within you, until it overtakes.

and suddenly, you find yourself standing. looking back upon this journey, only to realize you have graced the top of the mountain. 

and as you stand the lenses begin to unfog, your eyes adjust to your new surroundings, and finally, it comes into view.

the horizon now stands as your compass. pointing freedom every which way you turn. the world now at your fingertips. 

all that threatened death once before has vanished. the darkness and gloom that came with your inevitable death has since been conquered.

and now, in its place, are a vast array of lights and colors beautifully perfected from this new perspective atop the slopes, elegantly hanging from its canvas of the heavens. 

the picture before you is one which stuns you, stills you in the very moment as your eyes connect with it. 

it brings a moment of silence. a moment of unparalleled peace. 

and in this moment, all which was once hidden along the journey is now revealed in spectacular wonder before the very mountain you find yourself upon. 

the valley no longer becomes a symbol of death, but rather one of triumph.

for as you look back, you see as the pages of your journey begin to unravel before your very eyes.

the tears turn into strength. the pain to joy. the lies to truth. the despair to hope.

you find your body overwhelmed with this sense of peace as you discover that your death has ultimately turned into life.

And there you stand. Atop this mountain. Stunned in the realization:

YOU ARE VICTORIOUS.

the suffering ran its course. the tears were cried. the words thrown. the battle fought. and, not only did you get out alive, but you won. you won not through your own capabilities or wit or strength, but rather of One much greater than yourself. For it is only through Him that we are able to do immeasurably more than anything we could ever ask or imagine. For it is only through Him that we find our strength to get back up, our joy to defeat the pain, our truth to shatter the lies, our hope in moments of despair. For it is through Him, and Him alone that we RECLAIM our lives. 

"the LORD gives strength to His people, the LORD blesses His people with peace."

Psalm 29:11

::vulnerability::

this seems to be a growing concept in the realms of my life right now.

being brought to the surface through a variety of experiences and relationships.

i see as those around me begin to unveil their true self. i watch as their hidden reality becomes exposed.

and there they stand.

naked.

...for the world to see.

this picture, for most, can quickly become something much too graphic.

as if this person, in their fleeting moment of despair, unveiled more than too much to the world.

as if this stripping of their walls is rather detrimental to their souls.

as if the world could never handle the full weight of a person's true self.

but, to me, it has become a picture of stunning brilliance.

one whose simple beauty is beyond words.

beyond description.

beyond anything human.

to me, this stripping away, this unveiling, this vulnerability is the perfection of elegance.

it is a graceful action that allows for us to step further and further into the realms of freedom.

as all that confines us falls away. and all that is us remans.

for it becomes this beautiful journey of simply being.

::rain::

it's been a few days since my fingers have graced a keyboard for the purposes of spilling some part of my heart upon this space. and, as i sit here, i find it difficult to even articulate the many emotions and thoughts racing frantically through this fast-paced brain of mine. they whizz in and out of consciousness, allowing little time for me to fully grasp their depth and meaning. i see only glimpses, for the state i find myself in tonight is one of indifference. 

a state much too meaningless to search for meaning. i would rather allow my emotions to pass through, run their course, without even stopping to analyze them at all. 

maybe i am here tonight, because the clock is moving much too quickly, because my eyelids are beginning to droop as they fight this battle of time. 

or maybe, it is all finally catching up to me. maybe this decision i have chosen is one which holds much more significance than i thought. maybe this burden which i find myself ridding from my life, actually weighs much more than i remembered. maybe this action has yet to fully run its course mentally. maybe the weight of it all, the meaning, the significance, and the  implications have yet to sink in. 

perhaps my brain and heart have chosen to run through the motions. keeping the reality hidden. keeping the emotions, which are dying to erupt, suppressed. 

perhaps the easier, less cloudy option is to simply carry out my plan, without the thought of tears or emotion. perhaps the absence of the involvement of my heart would allow the process to define simplicity. 

but ease never truly promises fulfillment, does it?

the tears, in the end, always seems to be the less cloudy road. for fulfillment is not measured in this moment, but through this moment. 

perhaps it's time i rid myself of this umbrella, desperately trying to shelter myself from the inevitable downpour about to disrupt the light. perhaps it is time i felt the true weight of this storm. allowing the tears to fall, the heavens to open, and the waters to give way. allowing it to pour. as it washes away the old. as it cleanses the stains. and, as it purifies all which has been marred by this world.

for after the storm, there is always a clearing. the clouds never stay. for the heavens open up in a whole new way, shining down upon us a light much brighter than the one before, reflecting a sky much more hopeful than the darkness of the first. but one which is just as beautiful.

"He is like the light of morning on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth."

2 Samuel 23:4